


Devotion x Sickness

by horsechiffon, nybras



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-04-24 06:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19167976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horsechiffon/pseuds/horsechiffon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nybras/pseuds/nybras
Summary: It's been four years.Killua and Gon have indeed kept in touch, but with some tactful negligence on Killua's part as he continues to grow up with Alluka. Gon, finding himself impatient with his life, gets his Nen back--while apparently cagey about the details--and decides to simply go to Killua himself. Gon has his own ambitions, some the same, some new; Killua has grown more reserved and serious as the charge of his kin; Alluka begins to feel suffocated and rebellious, while she understands her brother's constant presence is needed. As Killua and Gon reunite, many things then in turn ignite, and subsequently, things for many people begin to change.[KilluGon, Alluka presence heavy; other characters in time]





	1. Greeting x and x Grievance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua and Gon reunite. Killua is more stressed than he is happy about it, but Alluka's pretty excited.

The air is thick with salt and sea, but cool and kind in its gentle kiss through the drowsy rays of sun. A perfect day for leisurely browsing markets, sitting on patio furniture with friends, or pulling nets full of your boat’s catch for the day. A day nice enough to be flexible in how its utilized, and in that sense, almost unremarkable in its own pleasantness. 

Specifically, it’s days like this that Killua finds it hard to keep himself motivated. His sister is a perfect enabler to his laziness, always complaining that he’s such a busybody--as if if he were to stop moving, he might die. And indeed, it used to feel that way. But not anymore. 

Killua has struck and maintained a perfect rhythm in their life, though it isn’t always simple or easy; they’ve found themselves in plenty of trouble through the last few years as he fine tuned this stable flow of their existence. Now, Killua knows what sort of jobs to take to stay under the radar, the sorts that pay well to comfort and entertain himself and his sister in happy wealth. However, with their unsavory roots, the troubles of their past aren’t ever quite as distant as either of them would like. Those roots cling with a hunger and interest to control their progeny. Particularly Illumi, and even once, Silva. Countless troubles, all perfectly terrible, and to any layman, perfectly interesting. However, those troubles are not what’s currently worth mentioning, during this perfect day. 

Killua looms over his sister, who squirms and laughs as he holds her wrists up, scowling and lifting his eyebrow. He’s affecting his voice to sound like some low class punk, his words punctuated occasionally by the crying seagulls above them.

“Why do you have to be so difficult, huh?! I already took the job!”

“Just cancel it, then!”

“Tch! My reputation is what keeps us fed, you know! When'd you get to be so bratty?"

"Probably when I started to travel with you. You're my biggest influence, after all."

Alluka giggles when Killua looks momentarily shocked, then he laughs too. "Say that again, I dare you," he laughs. They both know she’s already won, but that doesn’t mean that Killua can’t express his agitation with her whimsies. 

As Killua is mid sentence in his next scolding, something catches his eye--for even as he relaxes on what is (apparently) a day off, one can never be too careful--and his voice awkwardly dies in his throat as he trails off. There’s a parting in the passing people bustling along the port market they’re standing in. It’s just a happenstance that seems to slow down time with that gap, where Killua sees someone standing in an earnest, wide stance, fists clutched around the bulky straps of a bag. 

Of course, Alluka notices Killua’s distraction when he suddenly stops chiding her, and as his eyes widen, she curiously turns her head. Killua’s hands slacken their grip on Alluka’s wrists, which slide slowly from his grasp, his jaw slightly slackening. 

Naturally, it’s at this same instance that Killua and Alluka are recognized in turn. Gon’s auburn eyes light up with a warm barley gold shimmer, his face splitting with a huge, eager smile, all teeth and visible laughter bubbling through him. Killua straightens up, disbelieving. Alluka turns fully to face Gon, who’s a good three meters away or so. It seems to take her a moment, and by the time she recognizes Gon, he’s abruptly broken into a hurried jog. 

“Killuaaaaa!! Allukaaaa!!”

Alluka also straightens up, steepling her fingertips beneath her jaw. “Oh! Wow!! Gon!”

She takes a calculated, polite step to the side as Gon practically crashes into Killua--who, with all of his crafty reflexes, most certainly saw that coming, but seems to just stupidly remain standing there, dumbfounded with wide eyes. He grunts uncomfortably when Gon crushes him into a hug while laughing boisterously with glee. Killua awkwardly, and with apparent puzzlement, returns the hug somewhat half heartedly due to his distracting confusion.

Killua blinks, and Gon leans back, holding firm onto Killua’s shoulders. 

“Ha! Found you!” he declares ecstatically. 

Again, Killua blinks cluelessly. Then, absolutely unable to bear Gon’s absolute nonsense on this perfect day, Killua abruptly grabs the sides of Gon’s face, incidentally sort of squishing his cheeks. 

“What the hell?! Gon!!”

"Finding you wasn’t so hard after all,” Gon says, his voice somewhat muffled.

“What--what are you--what?! What are you doing here?! How did you find us?! Also, why didn’t you mail me about a visit or something, like a normal person?!”

Gon’s expression evens out, and he simply puts his hands atop Killua’s, staring him straight in the eyes with a marked seriousness. It’s the type of look Gon gets when he’s vying for something with an absolute stubbornness; the look he gets when he’s very firmly made up his mind about something, a long time ago. It's not a particular severe expression of that look, like the kind that could sometimes cut stone, but Killua recognizes it instantly, and his gut twists when he realizes he hasn’t seen that look in years.

Years.

“You wouldn’t let me do that.”

Gon’s right, of course; Killua would have sharply turned him down, insisting he stays in Whale Island. It’s not that he’s some bubble boy who can’t handle the outside world, but the outside world knows Gon’s face. Many seedy characters that overlap in both Gon and Killua’s life, among the secret world of Hunters, scattered all over the world. It would invite trouble, especially with the two of them combined.

“Like you would have listened to me anyway,” Killua responds, sighing with gentle exasperation. “You idiot...”

“Mm.” Gon smiles again, still holding Killua’s hands on his face. “Plus, it’s more fun for it to be a surprise.”

“Are you serious right now?” Killua looks incredulous, tilting his head as he cocks an eyebrow. “How did you find us, anyway?”

“I used my Nen.”

“What?!” 

Killua’s explosive response makes Alluka scowl at the two of them, and even Gon is wincing an eye a little as he laughs a little bit. Killua pulls his face a little closer, giving Gon a shake. 

“What do you mean?! Nen? Nen?!”

“Yeah,” Gon responds, his smile a little pained, because... you know, his best friend is shaking him around by the face. 

Completely flabbergasted, eyes wide as coasters, Killua stares at Gon. It’s during this pause that Killua is suddenly aware of the warmth of Gon’s face, and, more importantly, the gentle weight of his palms and fingertips at the tops of his hands, and realizes that it's awkward. Killua feels his face flush hot, though it’s brief, and he releases Gon. He shoves his hands into his pockets.

“I promised myself that the first thing I would do when I got my Nen back was to find Killua.”

Killua’s heart beats heavily, and he feels a familiar fluttering in his chest that he was sure had been quashed ages ago. It’s regrettable how many times he’s already just stared at Gon in utter bafflement in this brief span of time, his words not finding him, and this time his face has definitely gone pink. It makes him feel several years younger, feeling embarrassed as he’s uplifted through Gon’s too honest affirmations, doled out so casually. 

“Gon...”

“I’m hungry,” Alluka loudly and rudely interjects directly at Killua, then scowls at Gon, crossing her arms.

Seeming to realize himself, Gon jumps a little bit, then rests his palm at the back of his neck as he crouches a little. “Ah! Alluka! I’m sorry!! I got carried away. Of course, it’s great to see you.”

“Right, you just weren’t hunting _me._ ”

“Hunting,” Killua echoes, still seeming a little spacey from Gon’s admission. 

“I knew I would probably see you, of course! I have a gift for you, too.”

“Oh!” Alluka’s eyes light up. It’s not because she’s so material (she’s honestly very take it or leave it with that sort of thing), but that does affirm that she’s at least a figure in Gon’s selfish devices. How nice.

“Let’s go to a cafe,” Gon decides, smiling at Killua. Killua straightens up awkwardly.

“Oh. Yeah,” he agrees, and Alluka gently takes Killua by the wrist. She looks up at him, and he blinks at Gon, then down at her. She wraps her arms around Killua’s arm, still gazing up at Killua. He nods to Gon, then motions for him to follow.

\-----

Killua and Alluka both have a pretty honed radar for nice food and drink, which doesn’t surprise Gon. The two of them grew up with quality service and products through their lives at the Zoldyck mansion, and their respective penchants for refinery hasn’t yet ran dry since their departing of the estate. Under Killua’s supervision, Alluka has developed a similar sense of what places are good and which aren’t. Gon’s easy, of course, though he’ll always be happy, so long as the food is good. 

Gon’s beaming as he settles in at the round booth table they’re escorted to, and Killua watches Gon quietly. He’s chattering with Alluka excitedly about his trip, and some silly stuff about some other passengers. The last time Killua saw Gon, Gon was almost 16. It wasn’t that they never saw each other. He and Alluka would occasionally go to Whale Island, usually alerting Gon using some kind of code by their own discreet invention, so if anyone was monitoring Killua or Alluka’s feeds through their phones, they couldn’t be followed. It was never with any predictable regularity, and it most certainly was not very often. Maybe twice a year, at first. But it’s been almost two years, this time.

Killua could sense that Gon was being restless, at Whale Island. He’d begun some work there, not wanting to stray too far from Mito and her ailing, aging mother. Especially given his circumstance--and it makes sense. Truth be told, the visits were a way for Killua to feel ensured that Gon would stay in one spot. But it felt terrible, too, seeing Gon trapped. And it always felt terrible to leave, and in some ways, terrible to arrive at all.

A lot of his more severe feelings since Gon first lost his Nen have subsided. Or perhaps, it’s more accurate to say that they’ve evolved, solidified in some other way, like a fossil, or a scar. Gon and Killua hadn’t really talked about it; with Alluka present, it didn’t feel like something that could be easily broached, and it was always so hard to get Killua alone. All of this, of course, was by Killua’s design, ever the one who runs from all things too terrible, and too difficult, not limited to complicated feelings.

And so, in their own ways, they’d moved on... sort of. Indeed, they just became different complicated feelings, merging with other complicated feelings, and ideas. It’s always felt like there’s been too much to say to start anywhere at all, and so neither of them had ever said a single thing. But there’s always been implicit, wordless conversations. Every inch of Gon, especially at first, was so heavy with guilt in his every touch. And while Killua forgave him, the damage never was given its proper splint, and so it had never healed quite right.

Killua is resting his chin in his palm as he watches Gon rummage through his bag, responding to some of Alluka’s questions. His body professes Gon’s dedication to remaining as physically trained as he can manage, his new height and broadened shoulders giving him ease for this. He looks different, Killua thinks, but his face is still youthful, and while he has certainly grown, he still isn’t so tall. Killua remembers, the last time he visited Whale Island, Gon shyly admitting to Killua that Ging is actually pretty short, so he may not ever catch up to Killua--who now is easily a good three to four inches taller than Gon, taking after Illumi in his sleek build.

Killua smiles a little, his eyes soft. Gon removes something wrapped in a scarf from his bag with a practiced gentleness, and just as delicately places it in Alluka’s careful hands. She unwraps it and smiles, uncovering an elaborate comb. With his income, Killua can Alluka much nicer things, and he has--but Gon explains that he widdled it from a whale’s bone himself, floral embossing and all, and her eyes glimmer with wonder. Killua wonders, then, if Alluka sees what Killua’s always seen, when he looks at Gon. Who smiles and nods when she thanks him with great elation, giving him a very enthused hug.

Killua thinks it makes sense, too. His eyes fall to the comb in Alluka’s dainty hands as she explains why the wide teeth are good for her coarse hair (which Gon of course anticipated, and he comments it's funny that she and Killua have such different hair types), and Killua imagines Gon carving away at the bone he used to make it. Probably on some dock, or in his living room by the fire, becoming amazing at so little tiny things because he could no longer live the way he wanted to. Those skills feel like the culmination of silent suffering, Killua thinks, and his gut does a tiny, guilty twist. 

“Hey,” Killua suddenly interjects, and Gon raises his head, smiling. Killua isn’t annoyed--he’s happy that Gon took the time to catch up Alluka a little, and especially to give her a gift. “Are you gonna explain yourself, or what?”

Gon’s expression falters a little, his smile a little strained as he blinks, eyes falling on the menu before him without really reading it. 

“Ah... Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell us you were trying to get your Nen back?”

“I would’ve felt stupid, if it didn’t end up working.”

Killua’s lip lifts with an incredulous little twitch, looking irritated. “Is that right.” 

Gon nods. “Of course. And... I had to do it, either way. You know? I had to try. Every day, I felt suffocated by nothing.” Killua blinks, and Gon continues. “I feel ungrateful, to feel like I was so trapped somewhere so nice. I didn’t really have any problems. But I thought about it every day, how fun those couple of years were. It felt like being alive for the first time, and then I had to go back to this subdued, underlived life. I couldn’t help but feel that way. Like Whale Island isn’t enough to contain me, even without my Nen.”

Killua continues to watch Gon carefully, who raises his head to look directly into Killua’s eyes.

“And more than that, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I missed you. How I wish I could have done it all differently, so I could still be with you.”

Killua lowers his hand, resting his palm on the table, poignantly put at a loss for words again. Alluka’s eyes widen a little bit, then go soft and wet, her chin dimpling as Killua’s brows slant backwards.

“Gon...” 

“I wasn’t content to sit and perish in that sort of life, Killua.” Gon bows his head. “I’m sorry for still being so selfish. But I decided I would do whatever it would take to feel that way again.” 

Alluka sniffles, and Killua glances at her, only now noticing the fat tears that cling at the corners of her lashes. He startles when she turns that look on him, and tugs his sleeve without a word. Gon lifts his head again, and Killua’s gaze finds him once again. Killua's thought about it, of course; he knows Gon suffers. He knows Gon harbors a sort of darkness that scares even Killua. A deep hurt, and a deeper capacity for all of its manifestations. Killua knows it hasn't been easy.

“I really missed you. I know I’ve said so before, but it was unbearable. I accepted it like punishment, at first.”

Killua frowns, and is interrupted when he opens his mouth to speak.

“I know that’s wrong. I just didn’t understand how else to deal with it; I was a kid. But now I know I can’t simply accept that.” 

Killua sighs, and takes Alluka’s hand. He doesn’t want to say anything that sounds harsh to either of them, especially since Alluka is so moved by Gon. And Killua is, too, but he’s since become a little less transparent about his feelings. So he hopes. 

“You idiot...”

“I know.”

Killua tilts his head, brows furrowed. “...I of course had a lot of fun too. But we were naive. The kind of happiness we enjoyed, realistically, couldn’t have lasted forever, and I knew always that, but persisted anyway, cuz it felt good. Then clinging onto that feeling... it almost killed you, Gon. And me. That’s just the nature of this kind of life. Losing Kite...”

Killua tightens his grip on Alluka’s hand, and she keeps her careful, watery gaze on Gon. She doesn’t know explicit details, but she knows it’s a touchy subject. One they wouldn’t normally deign to bring up around her, but she’s getting older; she’s insisted that Killua stops so aggressively sheltering her. 

“...is that really something you want to experience, again? What if you really had lost him forever? Can you say any of that was worth it, having experienced that grief?” 

“Yes.”

Killua seems surprised, and he blinks, eyes wide. 

“Absolutely: yes. To have met you at all, I'd do it again, just the same."

Killua’s face stains pink again, and he looks annoyed. “Do you realize how stupid that is? What would you do if I died, then?!”

“Die too, I guess." Gon answers simply. “...Or... sorry, no. I'd do my best to stay alive for the other people who love you.” 

Alluka sniffles and hiccups, and Killua grits his teeth angrily. He doesn’t know what to say, and doesn’t even quite know how to articulate why he even feels so affronted. Alluka lets go of Killua’s hands to give Gon another hug.

“Don’t talk about that,” she pleads tearfully, and Killua’s anger dissipates. While Gon is distracted, seeming a little taken aback as he hugs her back and apologizes, stroking her hair, Killua wipes his eyes. It seems she’s regretting her insistence to be included in tough conversations of this nature, but Killua doesn’t point it out. Callouses only develop with continued agitation, after all.

It’s then that Killua notices the waitress, who’s standing there, stiff as a board as Alluka cries softly into Gon’s shoulder, looking mortified as she clutches her service pad and pen. She hasn’t been standing there too long, but definitely caught enough of that heavy conversation that they definitely probably shouldn’t be having in public. 

There’s an awkward pause as Killua and the waitress stare at each other in absolute panic, and Gon lifts his head, the back of his hand on Alluka’s head as he pets her. 

“Ah, sorry, could we please have another couple minutes?” 

She scuttles away, undoubtedly grateful for the send off, and Killua sniffles, but still looks cross. He wipes his eyes, and Gon watches him steadily as he holds Alluka. His eyes are fixed and stony, steadfast and determined. It’s the second time Gon’s looked at him that way. Like Killua is his target. 

It’s equal parts chilling, and...

“...You always think everything is so simple,” Killua manages, and Gon notices that Killua is flustered. Face still pink, Killua glances off in that sharp, sensitive way he does, and it fills Gon with a sort of warmth. Even after all this time, he loves seeing Killua react that way, even if Gon didn't know how much he appreciated it when they were kids. Gon knows Killua’s right, but they aren’t talking about it anymore; his commitment to that is marked by the softness of his palm on Alluka’s crown. 

“And you always overcomplicate things, Killua! But it’s okay. I think we can help each other with that stuff, now,” he points out, but isn’t looking at Killua anymore. He’s smiling at Alluka. He’s making a point to Killua, while simultaneously soothing his sister, who peers up at him with her dewy eyes curiously. He wipes a tear away with his thumb, his eyes softening, and he turns his smile to Killua. “Like yin and yang.”

Killua straightens abruptly, and Alluka smiles, seeming to feel a little better. As she nods, Killua feels like his hair is standing on end. “Wh--do you ever listen to the stuff you say, Gon!? How are you still such an idiot?! Y-you’re... so dense...”

“I think you and I both know I’m smarter than you tend to give me credit for,” Gon says simply, like a firm _I said what I said_ , opening up the menu. That waitress might come back to another mortifying personal conversation, after all, and Gon is hungry. Killua stares at him with a sort of exasperated anger he can’t quite justify or accurately describe to himself. 

They’ve reunited for all of maybe thirty minutes, and Gon’s been just relentless. An exhausting day off, after all.

“You’ll have to remind me,” Killua mumbles stiffly, narrowing his eyes as he also grabs a menu. 

Alluka’s eyes remain on her brother for a moment, studying and measured. Killua feels her eyes on him, and snaps his focus back at her. She innocuously glances away, then, and huddled up against Gon’s side, she looks over the menu with him, though she has her own. Killua sighs, posture finally relaxing as Gon accommodates her neediness. 

Killua leans with his elbow on the table, finding himself unable to focus on the text. Killua’s eyes instead detail his glass of water. A block of ice shifts suddenly with its group, and the subtle vibration causes some condensation to roll, accumulate, and hastily slip to the tablecloth. He feels his heart twist.


	2. Kill x or x Spare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the hotel the Zoldyck siblings have been renting for the last several days, we have...more emotionally tense conversations! Killua's still quite uptight! But everyone sheds some light on their perspectives, including some pretty specific thoughts on fratricide! Gon and Alluka chat a little bit. We get a glimpse into Gon's intentions, as well as Alluka's. I'm bad at summaries. Enjoy.

After they’ve eaten, they’re walking back to the hotel that Alluka and Killua have been staying at. Hearing that Gon had no place to stay, as they were all paying, had definitely irritated Killua.

“You mean you came here without booking some kind of accommodation?!”

“I don’t have a lot of money yet, Killua! I figured I could stay with you guys for a little,” Gon had innocently, selfishly, implored, and with the same childlike logic, Alluka had happily affirmed that they’d take him in.

So they’re walking, Alluka hugging onto Killua’s arm, chatting busily with Gon. Who Killua is holding a glare on, or is trying to--because Gon is right. He’s not that stupid. And it’s probably true he doesn’t have a lot of money. 

But already, Killua is starting to realize that Gon has a design that he isn’t revealing. Even now, he’s getting his way, like he always does. The fringe of some sort of conspiracy is just in the peripheral of Killua’s vision, but it’s like it scatters when he tries to look directly at it. Gon’s definitely up to something, and Killua wants to know exactly what he’s thinking. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Gon--that’s not exactly where this feeling is coming from. It’s more...

Killua wants to control his own feelings. It’s an aspect of hyper vigilance. Gon is just too hard to predict, sometimes. 

As they step inside the room Killua and Alluka are sharing, Alluka sits on Killua’s bed, and Gon sits on Alluka’s. Killua folds his arms, still watching Gon, and doesn’t sit down at all. 

He’s still adjusting to many things. First, Gon’s change in appearance--it’s strange how much he’s grown so much in such a short amount of time. Growth spurts weren’t uncommon at this age, of course, but Gon’s came a little late, Killua thinks. And Gon is still kind of short, but he supposes that’s not a major surprise; after all, Ging truly was never of an intimidating stature, just that of an incredibly pronounced presence, just like Gon. And it’s clear that Gon’s continued training--but while Gon’s body has grown, arms and shoulders thicker and wider, it’s clear to Killua that it hasn’t been to its fullest potential. This indicates, to Killua, that Gon’s Nen restoration is a recent event.

Which means that like a fool, at a sloppy, early convenience, Gon eagerly left Whale Island to find Killua before maximizing his own potential. Killua supposes in a place like Whale Island, it would be difficult to get in tip-top shape; he wonders if he has devices to find Bisky.

Killua is also adjusting to Gon’s sudden and overbearing presence; it’s warmth and vigor lights up the room, but Killua still somehow feels uneasy. How did he get his Nen back? When Gon wants something, he’ll go through unreasonable means to get it. It’s no easy task, as demonstrated by years of it going unaccomplished, and while Killua wasn’t necessarily sticking his neck out (Gon was safer at Whale Island, anyway), he hadn’t heard any rumors or whispers of restoring Gon’s Nen.

It’s suspicious.

“Killua,” Gon says, and Killua blinks. Alluka is examining her comb happily.

“Yeah?”

Gon frowns.

“Are you really that mad? I hoped you’d be happier to see me.”

“I--!” Killua’s eyes widen, his face reddening. “Wh--I am! Of course I am! --Ugh, why would you make me say it?” 

Killua puts his forehead in his palm, and Gon grins. Killua peeks at his friend from between his fingers. 

“Oh. You...really did just want to hear me say it...” _Needy,_ Killua thinks, but he can’t help but be endeared.

“Well, sure,” Gon agrees, tilting his head. His matter of fact, frank response makes Killua stare, momentarily struck once again. He makes an inpatient sound as he brings himself back down to Earth.

Alluka smiles sympathetically at Gon, then to Killua. 

“Poor Gon. You’re so cold. Of course someone would want to hear that. It’s been a little while. I thought seeing each other was always a treat.”

“Alluka!”

“What?” She looks back at Gon. “Of course he missed you... I can always tell he tries not to talk about you too much because of it.”

“That’s why saying it is stupid,” Killua says tersely through his teeth, and Gon laughs. Killua feels betrayed, his sister just laying him out so plainly like that. The nerve.

“You’re still so shy,” Gon remarks, sounding pleased.

“I’m not shy! You’re--it’s just, I don’t deal with people like you so often, you know!?” 

“Still, though...” Gon’s smile fades, and he watches Killua carefully. Still looking a bit miffed, Killua holds his gaze for a moment, then glances sharply away.

“I don’t really know how to feel, Gon. Of course I’m happy to see you. Of course I’ve missed you. But I still have a lot of anxieties, also.”

Killua lifts a finger, hard eyes back on his friend in a strict, scolding way.

“First, I have no idea how you got your Nen back, and I have a feeling you aren’t going to tell me, or else you would have mentioned it by now. That makes me suspicious, because that means you did something stupid, and you’re probably in trouble again. Otherwise, you would have freely divulged that information.”

Killua extends a second finger. Gon breathes out a nervous little laugh, timidly rubbing the back of his head.

“Second, there’s a reason why Alluka and I visit you on Whale Island, and I don’t care how impatient you feel waiting between visits. The reason is because it’s not safe for you--or Alluka--for you to be away from Whale Island. Even without all the crazy things you’ve done and all the heads you’ve turned, Gon, you have a _really_ big name. You have enemies you don’t even know about who want to test you, and you haven’t even used Nen in years.”

Killua extends a third.

“Third, and this is related--if you’re with me, that means those dangerous, stupid people are going to find _me_ , and Alluka. I’ve of course been keeping up with my training and getting stronger, and that’s because I’m trying to prepared for threats. My brother still wants Alluka dead if he can’t control her directly or through me, and he already almost succeeded once.” 

Gon’s expression tenses subtly, his hands twitching over his knees. Gon and Killua have been a little distant, but Killua wasn’t going to neglect such a monumentally traumatizing event. Additionally, it explained a long absence in Killua’s communication at the time. It’s not a happy memory for Gon, helplessly at the mercy of peaceful Whale Island, empty eyes staring in shock at his screen after reading that Alluka had nearly been killed.

“You make us a more visible target, Gon. Illumi and my other family members can simply follow the wind of excited rumors from those who track you. This includes Hisoka.”

“Oh, Hisoka will leave me alone.”

Killua suddenly halts, and Alluka shares his bewildered expression. Killua stands there, frozen, three fingers still extended in the air, and Gon smiles sheepishly.

“...I mean, right? Think about it. He’s going to know I’m really far behind... If anything, he’ll probably do anything he can to make sure I’m okay, so I can catch up and fight him. So even though I do intend to get stronger, Hisoka won’t be a threat for a while.”

Killua falters a little in subdued awe, his arm lowering. Gon’s thought about this.

Of course he has.

“Plus, if we get strong enough together, we can kill Illumi,” Gon says matter of factly, and Alluka gasps, clapping her fingers to her mouth. Killua’s stance widens as the statement quite literally throws him off balance, and, eyes wide and horrified, they dart between Gon and Alluka.

“You idiot!! Don’t talk about killing our older brother like that right in front of Alluka!”

Gon leans forward, elbows on his thighs, looking utterly baffled.

“Huh--? What? She knows what a bad guy he is though, right?”

“That’s still her brother!”

“That’s your brother, too. But... you don't feel that way, right?”

“Th--that’s different. Illumi hasn’t touched Alluka.”

“But he tried to kill her...??”

“Gon! It’s complicated. Family is complicated. I swear, you really do make things too simple!!”

Gon quirks his lip and eyebrow in time, tilting his head as he rubs the side of his face, seeming perplexed as he reaches for a resolution. He closes his eyes tightly after a pause, and Killua can tell that he’s thinking too hard. He straightens up a little, turning a bit to face Alluka a little better, who’s poised with her eyes wide on the other bed.

“Would you be sad if Illumi died?”

“Gon!!”

“Killua, relax,” Gon says firmly, and Killua balls his fists crossly.

“What the hell, Gon, you can’t just storm into my life and start being so reckless and disrespectful!”

“It’s fine,” Alluka asserts, just as sharp as Gon, and Killua hesitates his next point because of it. Then, drops it. He can already tell this might be a problem. Alluka’s been feeling somewhat stifled by Killua’s protection, he can tell; it's not a subtle aspect. But she’s also aware that she can’t truly safely be apart from him. It’s quite possible that, especially since she’s younger, Gon could appeal to her interest in independence. Probably not on purpose, but it’s still something that terrifies Killua.

Incidentally, another point of anxiety. He hadn’t gotten to name it before this derailment.

Killua watches Alluka, who holds Gon’s gaze with a seriousness that frankly isn’t reciprocated, at least not visually. Gon seems relaxed and genuinely curious.

“I would,” she answers. “But I’m not an idiot,” she adds, glancing at Killua with an air of irritation, and he sends it right back to her. Of course, as she gets older, she’s more contrarian, especially with Killua as her primary influence. He never turns that attitude on her, but she’s seen it doled out enough times, and he’s her role model. She looks back to Gon. 

“I know what Illumi has done to my brother. I know he came for my life because of his obsession with controlling him, and controlling Nanika. We both suspect that Illumi has his own devices that would be deterred by inheriting the Zoldyck business, and that’s been the case since long before we left home. Illumi wants my brother to be the heir, and so does the rest of our family. I’m just collateral to him. We have no relationship. However...”

“If we really wanted Illumi dead, we could have done that with Nanika already,” Killua finishes for her. 

Gon blinks.

“Oh. But you won’t, because using Nanika’s ability is dangerous, right?”

Killua is quiet, and Alluka tilts her head.

“Umm, kind of. Illumi is very powerful; such a wish would be have a dangerous equivalence paid. And neither of us like to make Nanika do such things, anyway.”

Now that Alluka has been getting older, she’s more aware of the repercussions of their game. Having grown up where she grew up, death isn’t exactly something horrific to her--but she still doesn’t want to feel responsible for mass waves of lost lives. Like Killua, if possible, she finds peace preferable. 

“Do you want him to die?”

Gon asks this simply because it’s an obvious follow up; Alluka would be sad if Illumi died, but is eluding that she and Killua have given his death a lot of thought. 

“...Well. I want my brother to be safe, and he wants the same for me. Illumi is certainly a constant threat, though we’re certain he also protects my brother. Anyone strong enough to kill him can’t get passed Illumi, and Illumi wants nothing more than to keep him alive.”

Killua nods, arms crossing as he leans against the wall. 

Gon frowns, his eyes falling thoughtfully. “But he wants to kill Alluka..." His eyes lift back to the younger Zoldyck. "Do you really think getting rid of him is so bad? Killua’s strong.”

“If I’m not strong enough to kill Illumi myself, I won’t be strong enough to kill the people who come for me after he’s dead. That’s why I keep training.”

“But if I’m with you, it’d be okay. We could both probably do it...”

“That’s still more dangerous for Alluka! I just told you that!” Killua exclaims, frustrated, and throws an arm out to the side. “We’re dealing with one persistent threat instead of God knows how many, because Illumi’s probably protecting us as much as he’s pursuing us! Without him, there’s constant situations where Alluka could be the victim of stuff that has nothing to do with her! Especially with you, idiot! And besides, it's not like Illumi's without his own allies!”

“That’s better than living under his pins forever, don’t you think!?”

“Absolutely not!!”

Gon, temper as hot as Killua’s, slaps his palm on his knee, elbow jutted upwards as he turns towards Alluka again.

“What do you think?!”

“Uh--um, well, I’m not--really sure,” she confesses sheepishly, laughing a little as her shoulders hike subtly in discomfort. 

“This revolves around you, Alluka! Surely you have feelings about how you’d like your own life to be, and what you want from it!”

Killua feels another wave of frustration towards Gon. He doesn’t like how he talks to her, so indelicately, but he knows that Alluka likes it. Gon makes her feel stronger, probably.

“Hmm.” She rolls her eyes upward, resting a fingertip on her chin. “What do I want...”

And Killua is stricken. He remembers when, just a bit younger than Alluka, he also had a moment of indecision. A realization that he had absolutely no clue what he wanted to do with himself. When as a kid, his life desires were as simple and short sighted as having fun with his best friend. 

“...I want my brother to be happy.”

Killua’s heart skips a beat, his guts knotting, and his shoulders drop. He feels his heart well with guilt.

“Alluka... You can’t just live your life through your feelings for other people,” Killua cautions, voice sounding tired. 

“I know. You say that all the time.”

Gon glances at Killua briefly, remorse subtly chilling the sunny amber of his eyes. 

“But that’s all I think I want. And... Illumi makes you unhappy--you’re always so tense... but Gon makes you happy.”

“It’s not that simple! You can’t just kill people who make people you know sad, and live with the people who make you happy.”

“Why not?” Gon asks, and Killua hangs his head, both of his palms on either side of his head.

“Oh my God...”

“I know it’s not that simple!” Alluka frowns a little, her eyebrows slanting in. “But your unhappiness with our older brother is a deep, old thing! He makes you sick. I’ve seen it. And ever since I first met Gon, you try to act like your feelings about him and what happened are what’s so simple. You hypocrite.”

Killua looks shocked, giving his sister a horrified expression.

“What?!”

“Gon's your best friend! I know you’re always thinking about him. Every second you spend not talking to him, thinking about him, talking about him--comes with tremendous labor! But you act like he’s some distant former colleague. Just someone you went to war with. ”

“I-I...”

Gon finally is the one who looks wounded, and it’s because he feels the same way. Looking at Killua with that anguish clear on his face is too much for Killua to bear. So he doesn't. Stubbornly, he looks anywhere else.

Alluka continues. “Obviously, we can’t make a decision right now... but I think that we should give Gon’s ideas some thoughts. Don’t you miss hanging out with him, anyway? Why can’t you just be honest?”

“I never said I didn’t!” Killua isn’t even looking at Gon when he answers Alluka, his fists slackening to empty, aching palms. His eyes find Gon’s hands, then, and his own fingers twitch. “...I can’t make you understand, right now.”

“...Killua. Do you at least... intend to make me understand?” Gon asks.

Killua huffs briskly, closing his eyes. “...Yes. But not right now. I’m sorry that I’m tense, and I’m having a hard time just having fun and goofing off. This is really weird and complicated for me,” he discloses in complete, robotic honesty, because he knows Gon wants it. And honestly, Gon deserves it. “Please bear with me. I’m--I’m kind of confused,” Killua continues, his voice tripping mid step, and he scowls, feeling the beginnings of tears again. “I don’t know how to feel right this second.”

“...Sit down,” Alluka insists kindly, and Killua closes his eyes, reigning himself back in. Of course there would be so many emotional ups and downs with such a sudden reunion on such weird terms, but it’s still a little embarrassing. He especially hates getting this way in front of Alluka; being vulnerable to the both of them at the same time is scary, especially as he’s currently withholding so much from them both respectively.

All the same, he obliges her, and quite naturally, Alluka and Killua’s hands find one another, intertwining fingers. Gon watches it happen, and looks at Killua’s face. Killua has the decency to look into Gon’s eyes as he does this, silently wondering what on Earth it is that Gon wants, and when he’ll make it obvious. But Killua supposes he isn’t owed that information; it’s Gon who’s owed an explanation, first.

“It’s fine,” Gon finally says. “I mean... you don’t even really need to be sorry. My feelings about everything are pretty complicated too, but I guess I’m the one in control in the situation. I was a total surprise in yours.” Gon’s fingers interlace between his knees. “And I keep pushing you. I’m over eager. I’ve been thinking about everything I want to know, and everything I want to say. It’s just as much my fault we can’t just have an easy time.”

He tilts his head, laughing a little. “Which...sorry, Alluka. You're kinda just getting pulled into a mess, cuz of all that...”

“It’s okay!” she pipes up happily, squeezing Killua’s hand. Whenever he feels emotionally tense, even if (unlike this day) he’s careful not to give tells, Alluka is so receptive to his energy that she always knows. This is usually her signal. Just as when Gon and Killua turned their backs to each other at the World Tree, Alluka goes to hold Killua’s hand every time, wordlessly letting him know that his pain is seen. Often, that's all he needs. “I understand. I’m still happy to see you. I’m happy you found us.”

Gon’s smile grows, and Killua finally smiles a little too.

“I am too,” Killua says before Gon can, and Gon blinks. Then, he grins impossibly wide, and all the sunshine comes back into the room.

Killua stands, even though that feels a little silly--he just sat down, and he walks to the desk provided by the modest port hotel. He opens a drawer, and extracts a deck of cards. Killua tilts his head, smiling at Gon, but it’s tilted with a measure of cockiness.

“Well, that’s enough of all that for now. I’m exhausted. Let’s play a game.” 

Alluka and Gon both nod, beaming as they both vocally, emphatically agree.

\------

It seems like Killua has loosened up a little bit, or is at least less sad--his concerns are still there, but the shock and initial upset of so suddenly running into Gon (especially with such unexpected information) have finally calmed down, some. Like it or not, there’s going to be time to address his concerns--Gon’s probably going to be around for a minute. 

Which, speaking of...

Their games concluded, Alluka is putting away the little deck of cards. She picked up on Killua’s emotional exhaustion, and Gon’s been traveling all day. As she tends to do, whether people notice it or not, she herds people based on how she reads their energies.

Killua casts a long, sideways glance at Gon, leaning back on his palms. Gon unties his headband, something that reminds Killua of the straps of Gon’s old backpack, back when he was so little and cute; it’s clearly of his culture based on the fabric and its print. While grabbing his bag to put it away, a big duffel sort of thing with a single strap, he addresses Killua’s staring by answering with his own, blinking. Gon smiles.

“What’s up, Killua?”

“How long are you going to be staying with us? I know you didn’t do all this just to come see me.” He hopes, anyway; Killua’s heart thuds heavily in his chest as he says this, not letting on how dry his mouth feels as he feverishly, despite himself, considers it.

“I dunno,” Gon answers simply. “A little while, anyway. I’m gonna definitely go see Kite, but he won’t let me go to him; it’s too dangerous for how weak I am. So I gotta wait for him to be done with some work.”

Kite... of course. Killua idly tries to remember the last time he’d even seen him...

“I see.”

“And if I can, I wanna see Ging.”

Killua blinks, and then he straightens up, sitting properly as he gazes at Gon. Alluka settles beside Killua, letting herself topple sideways a little bit as she sits on her knees, head thudding against his arm as she watches Gon.

“He’s...”

“Still at the Dark Continent, I know. Ging isn’t an immediate concern,” Gon reassures them. “But I can’t wait for his return, either.”

“...Gon, what if he isn’t even alive?” Alluka implores quietly, and her fingers curl in her skirt, not liking asking such a question, but feeling it pertinent.

“...I dunno.” Gon shrugs. “It seems impossible for him to die, so I haven’t considered that.”

Killua feels concern--it’s true that he and Ging aren’t precisely close, but he can’t help but feel when he almost died in NGL, a lot of what he went through was tangentially related to Ging. Killua didn’t think this at first, of course--but he’s had a lot of time to reflect. Kite was an important step to Ging, and more of a father figure to Gon, however scarce even then, and whether Gon realized it or not, than Ging ever was... or would be. He feels like that’s where the life altering disruption came from. 

Would Gon really be okay, if Ging died?

Killua wants to know how Gon feels, but finds he can’t bring himself to ask something so heavy. Not yet. Not after earlier. And perhaps... not at all. 

Undeterred by the silence from the Zoldyck pair, Gon stretches his arms up. Alluka’s eyes shift to Killua’s as they unconsciously follow Gon’s movement, and Killua doesn’t notice. “But! That’s far away. I also need to do some bureaucratic stuff at the Association Headquarters...”

Killua’s eyes find Gon’s face again in a surprised blink. Alluka’s expression is flat and unamused.

“The Hunter Association?”

“Well, obviously! I’m still a Hunter, after all! And now that my Nen is back, I can be a practicing Hunter again!”

Killua looks concerned.

“But, of course, before I go to The Association--which, you know, might get some people’s attention, kinda like you mentioned earlier... I gotta get stronger! So all that’s while I wait for Kite. Until then...”

“...until then?” Alluka and Killua both unconsciously lean forward, just a bit. Gon gives them a toothy grin, and a breathy little laugh.

“I’m gonna find Bisky, so she can whip me into shape.”

Killua’s posture softens with his smile and his eyes, and he tilts his head with a laugh of his own. “That’s pretty bold of you.”

“Well.” That’s all Gon says, with a shrug and a simple smile.

“I think she’d be happy to see you. I assume she didn’t know about your plans to restore your Nen?”

“Nope! Even though we mail every half a year or so. I told you, no one knew!”

“No one?”

Gon begins to pull his shirt off, and Killua’s eyes suddenly widen. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” He claps his hands over Alluka’s eyes, and her mouth flattens with irritation. Like she hasn’t seen some dumb buff man boobs before. “Alluka’s right here!”

“I’m just changing. It’s not like I’m going to get naked!”

“Tch, honestly! Go change in the bathroom, you dumb animal!” 

“Jeeeez, you big baby! Okay.”

Gon stands, and Alluka watches him go, blinking. Killua’s so flustered, he hadn’t noticed that Gon had deliberately derailed him--though it wasn’t lost on Alluka. She glances back at Killua, smiling.

“I guess we’ll have to share a bed.”

“We don’t have to. I could sleep on the floor,” Killua offers sternly.

“You’d sooner make Gon do that...”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t succeed.”

She laughs. 

“I don’t mind sharing a bed with you!” 

“Alright. I promise I’ll stay still.”

Alluka looks pensive, looking at her lap.

“What is it?”

“Tomorrow, when things are a little more settled, Nanika wants to say hello.”

“I was wondering why she didn’t come out...”

“She sensed everyone was a little overwhelmed.” 

Killua’s shoulders sag, his face softening with sympathy.

“She doesn’t have to feel like that...”

“I know. I told her. It’s okay though, she’s fine. I think if anything else, she just wants to be with everyone when they’re in their best moods. That’s kind of understandable, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, actually. I would’ve been embarrassed if she saw me, earlier. If anyone catches me in weird moods, I feel like it’s often Nanika...”

“That’s why she loves you.”

Killua’s face heats petal pink, smiling shyly. 

“She’s funny that way...”

Alluka smiles, agreeing. 

Gon steps out, changed into a simple white tank and a pair of softer pants; they’re longer than the capri style drawstring trousers Gon had on earlier, and appear much cozier in a lazy, pale heather gray. Killua’s eyes stick on Gon for a moment, and Alluka is confused--then she seems to have some kind of realization, scowling as she stands up.

“I’m gonna go change, too.”

“O-oh, yeah,” Killua says distractedly, and Alluka gathers up her change of clothes from the supplied dresser, trotting to the bathroom. She tosses Killua a judgmental look before closing the door, and Killua furrows his eyebrows, looking both incredulous and confused.

“What were you guys talking about?” Gon asks, pushing some wet strands of hair from his vision that had grown heavy from washing his face.

“Oh. Nanika,” Killua answers, at last pulling his eyes from the bathroom door. “I thought it was a little funny she didn’t greet you, but I guess she was worried about overwhelming the situation.”

“Has she become more shy?”

“Not exactly. More intelligent, I’d say...”

“You gonna change?”

Killua seems to falter, but he recovers. “Um. I mean, I guess.” He suspects it’s odd to suddenly be so cagey about their bodies... Even men were comfortable around each other that way, and Killua and Gon would bathe together as kids. He stands, pulling out of his shirt, folding it over his arms. He finds himself hesitating, for some reason, eyes hard and face hot as he stares off to nothing in particular.

It’s from there that Gon’s dark eyes study the hard planes of Killua’s back. His shoulders are much broader, and there’s an unfamiliar, large scar across his scapula, his braid ending right above it. His waist is small, and his torso is long and lean despite his broadness. Aside from the snowy crop of hair, it’s really a far cry from the person Gon met all those years ago, during the Hunter exam.

Gon almost gives Killua a compliment regarding his growth, but...

“What happened to your back?”

“When Illumi attacked to get Nanika,” Killua answers, Gon’s question seeming to get him out of his head. Killua puts his shirt on top of the dresser, and decides to just go ahead, lest Alluka finishes before him. “It wasn’t severe enough for Nanika’s healing; I just went to the hospital.”

Gon’s eyebrows crease. He doesn’t say anything, but Killua can feel his anger. Killua can hear the water running in the bathroom, so Alluka’s probably washing up now that she’s changed her clothes. He picks out a sleep shirt, then steps out of his pants, electing to simply wear one of his black undershirts with his boxers.

Alluka steps out, simply wearing an oversized shirt--likely one of Killua’s less tight fitting pieces, and exchanges a smile with Killua, who then takes her place in the bathroom. He closes the door to wash up and use the restorm, and Alluka climbs onto her bed, knees bent and raised as she sits. She plops her chin on her knees, hugging around her shins.

“It’s nice to see you, Gon.”

“It’s nice to see you too,” Gon answers, smiling wide and warm. She laughs a little, finding herself easily charmed. “Seems like Killua’s been a good big brother, even if he’s kind of uptight.”

“Yeah! He is. But you’re right,” she says, big eyes rolling up thoughtfully as she tilts her head, cheek squishing against her knee. “He is uptight... He was never so tense back at home.”

“Or with me. But it’s different, now--he’s kind of your parent, too.”

Alluka smiles, her expression certainly sweeter than her words. “Yeah. So annoying.”

“Right?”

They laugh.

“I’m glad you’re here... I love my brother, but it’s nice to spend a little bit of time with other people, too. And not just random temporary friends through his work. I think he needs to loosen up.”

“That might be impossible,” Gon responds in an airy sigh.

Alluka laughs again.

“Have you seen Kurapika or Leorio recently?” 

“No,” Alluka responds. “Have you?”

“I saw Leorio kinda recently. Maybe 6 months ago? He’s graduating soon!”

“Yeah, we got an invitation for that!”

“Mm. Killua asked me if I was going to go.”

“Oh yeah!” Alluka scoffs at herself for having forgotten. “He did. He probably expected that would be the next time he’d see you,” Alluka says somewhat chastisingly. “He doesn’t like surprises!”

Gon rolls his eyes. Like he cares about that.

“I'm surprised he hasn't gotten used to them, yet.”

“Gotten used to what?” Killua demands irritably, closing the door behind him. Gon’s knees lift, his positioning suddenly quite similar to Alluka’s, but he looks like a kid who got caught doing something bad.

“Ah!”

Killua sighs, shaking his head. It’s clear he doesn’t actually care. Gon’s posture relaxes, and, mindfully, his eyes fall back on Killua as Alluka busies herself with burying herself into the blankets. 

“Surprises,” Alluka answers, and Gon whips his gaze back on her, looking devastated.

“Alluka, c’mon!”

Killua blinks, glancing at Gon. “Why, you got more surprises for me?”

“I mean, don’t I always? It’s never on purpose...”

“...It was definitely on purpose this time,” Killua mumbles, scratching his cheek as it warms pink, and he sits on the bed. "You said so yourself."

“It’s okay to do it on purpose every now and again, isn’t it?”

“I dunno...”

Gon smiles, leaning back from where he sits on the bed provided to him, tilting his head. He doesn’t say anything; he merely watches Killua settle, exchanging a couple words with Alluka as they get comfortable--and Killua’s eyes find Gon’s, having been unable to stop sensing them on him.

“ _What,_ Gon?!”

“Nothing,” he answers simply, flopping onto his back with a little bounce. 

“I think he just likes looking at you,” Alluka answers, turning her head from where she lay to innocently smile up at Killua. Who, predictably, flusters and tenses. 

“Or he wants me to go over there and kick his ass!”

“Maybe I do!” Gon answers back with a laugh, daring him. But Killua just rolls his eyes, gritting his teeth.

“Grow up, Gon.”

“Aw, c’mon. You’re no fun anymore.”

“Tch, whatever. Sure I am.”

“You’ll have to remind me,” Gon says mockingly, dropping an octave in his tone as he repeats Killua’s words from when they were in the cafe. Which _does_ earn a pillow whipped sternly at his head, and Gon cackles with surprised delight. 

“Would you go to bed, you dumbass!?”

“Okay, okay. Wow.”

Killua huffs, turning off the light, and Gon, laying flat on his back with his head turned towards the Zoldyck’s bed, watches his silhouette slink into the bed--and even that movement alone is somehow quite graceful.

Gon smiles, unconsciously giving the pillow meant to slap his face off a little squeeze. He rolls onto his side, sliding his arm under his pillow, and before too long, finds himself too excited to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm mostly going by the seat of my pants with this thing, and i haven't written anything in ages, so thank you for your patience in advance. alluka is going to be a major feature through this story, so if you don't like that, this isn't for you! also, i'm going to make some major decisions eventually--with a canon as wild as hunter x hunter, where stuff can be so crazy even in the span of a few months, i can't imagine the entire cast has survived a ~4 year time skip. also, despite how lofty it sounds, i intend for this to be pretty light to keep myself from buckling under the weight of a big project... but we shall see!
> 
> thanks to horsechiffon for being a great sounding board/idea contributor from chapters 3-4 onward. designs inspired by artist nen_user on twitter. changed title, sorry! as i've been working on the story, i feel the previous title (Reunion x Crisis) only worked for the first half of the story.
> 
> NOTE: while i don't specifically intend for there to be porn in this story, there may be some sexually explicit weirdness wrt hisoka, which i will warn for in advance!


End file.
